Tensions

Recently, I have felt pulled in so many different directions. I know the old adage that worrying never gets you anywhere, but it is difficult to resist falling into the trap. The recent New York Times article about "Twenty-somethings" and the cloud of confusion that they sit under hit a little too close to home in many ways.

It is a privilege, I know, to be able to have the luxury of options, but it certainly complicates the question of what to do post-graduation. I remember sitting in this position two years ago before graduating from Swarthmore and wondering where I would be the following year, and even four years before that wondering which college to go to. But the gravity of each major life decision increases with the passage of time.

In a sense there may be no clear, singular shining path that beats out all others but rather a right direction to move in, but the fear of making a wrong choice can be crippling at times. These days I struggle to answer the most basic of questions about where I am going to be next year, and what I will be doing. Every so often a glimmer of clarity will come through, but like a mirage or shifting moods those glimmers tend to pass quickly.

At the core of my struggle are both selfish and unselfish motives. On the one hand I want to be somewhere that satisfies my need for natural beauty, cultural richness, and diverse experiences, but on the other hand I want to make sure that my choice is not completely self-serving and ignores those whom I care about. And as my sister always reminds me, while I may not particularly like money, there is always a need for it so I cannot be completely liberated from "practical" considerations.

I feel simultaneously a desire to put down roots and a desire to wander, a desire to have a comfortable stable life or one filled with adventure and unpredictability. Ultimately, I am trying to trust God and walk in faith since He's never let me down before and never will, but a part of me wonders when these tensions will be resolved...

Note to my worrying self, wherever the answer lies, all I can do is live life each day purposefully, intentionally and faithfully. Those doors will open.