Digging through the closet

I don't know if anyone else has ever experienced this, but digging through my closet felt a bit like going through a time capsule. Previous versions of myself emerged. I almost forgot that I used to adore Sanrio, the book Chester's Way, and princess crowns. It was both cathartic and a little sad to part with some of these remnants of childhood, but I think it's important to periodically de-clutter your closet. Some bonus items that I found:

• a $20 from my high school graduation (SCORE)
• two goofy pictures featuring JAG and me making the "wow" "mom" faces
• a self-portrait from 9th grade art class

So I encourage you to go digging through your own closet to see what buried treasures you may find.

What a difference a year makes...

In re-reading some of my old posts I realize what a different place I was in not only physically but also mentally, emotionally and spiritually. I can hear the lyrics of "525,600 minutes" from Rent. It really is true that it's hard to know how you measure a year. Time can feel really fluid at times flowing so quickly that you hardly have time to register what's already happened let alone keep track of what's going on, and other times when it slides along slower than molasses.

As corny as it sounds, I've reached one of those crossroads about to make the transition from an unemployed student to joining the workforce or the "real world", although I never liked that term. Sometimes when I ask friends and family who have been working for many years what their day was like, it seems to always be "same as the day before" day in and day out, work is work. I accept that to a degree that each day takes on more structure and a similar pattern when you have an established routine, but I hope not to fall into the trap of monotony. That's one of my greatest fears of taking what seems like the tried and tested road to worldly success.

I'm writing this to remind myself not to forget what I should be working towards, which is not just my own personal gain but beneficial to the world at large, meaningful, and serving a Godly purpose. I really have no idea what I'll feel or be like in a year from now, but I look forward to this next phase of life, and hope the same for anyone else going through a major life transition.

Photographs from South Africa

South Africa (2011)

South Africa (2010)

A new blog

I'll still be writing in this blog occasionally, but I'm starting a more thematic blog on job-searching at this address: http://blackberrylemonade.tumblr.com/.

Tensions

Recently, I have felt pulled in so many different directions. I know the old adage that worrying never gets you anywhere, but it is difficult to resist falling into the trap. The recent New York Times article about "Twenty-somethings" and the cloud of confusion that they sit under hit a little too close to home in many ways.

It is a privilege, I know, to be able to have the luxury of options, but it certainly complicates the question of what to do post-graduation. I remember sitting in this position two years ago before graduating from Swarthmore and wondering where I would be the following year, and even four years before that wondering which college to go to. But the gravity of each major life decision increases with the passage of time.

In a sense there may be no clear, singular shining path that beats out all others but rather a right direction to move in, but the fear of making a wrong choice can be crippling at times. These days I struggle to answer the most basic of questions about where I am going to be next year, and what I will be doing. Every so often a glimmer of clarity will come through, but like a mirage or shifting moods those glimmers tend to pass quickly.

At the core of my struggle are both selfish and unselfish motives. On the one hand I want to be somewhere that satisfies my need for natural beauty, cultural richness, and diverse experiences, but on the other hand I want to make sure that my choice is not completely self-serving and ignores those whom I care about. And as my sister always reminds me, while I may not particularly like money, there is always a need for it so I cannot be completely liberated from "practical" considerations.

I feel simultaneously a desire to put down roots and a desire to wander, a desire to have a comfortable stable life or one filled with adventure and unpredictability. Ultimately, I am trying to trust God and walk in faith since He's never let me down before and never will, but a part of me wonders when these tensions will be resolved...

Note to my worrying self, wherever the answer lies, all I can do is live life each day purposefully, intentionally and faithfully. Those doors will open.

West Coast National Park- Floral heaven

Just a sample of the incredible spring flowers on display at West Coast National Park. Pictures do not do it justice.

My one year anniversary with Cape Town

Something I’ve realized since coming back to South Africa is that wherever you are, you develop relationships not only with people (the obvious relationship type) but also with places. By place I don’t mean just the physical things that you can see, but many of the unseen things like the institutions, the cultural practices and norms, and the general environment and the feelings that those evoke.

I can compare my relationship to South Africa very much to a bumpy romance. My first experience in Cape Town was a sense of bewilderment and awe as I stepped off the plane: bewilderment praying that our study abroad program coordinator would find me since I had no contact information or address for where I was supposed to be staying and awe for the spectacular mountains and coastline that I had just flown over. The mixture of feelings grew even more complex when I was briefly informed that the house I was staying in had been burgled the night before my arrival. Fortunately, none of my soon to be housemates were injured, but everyone was feeling unsettled. I had that classic pit of your stomach churning feeling, “Girl, what have you gotten yourself into?”

Indeed that question is still unanswered to date, but I am so grateful that God has somehow helped me coordinate or orchestrate my life into this place. The “infatuation” phase probably started after our first field trip to Cape Point and to see the penguins in Simon Town. I couldn’t stop “oohing” and “ahhing” at everything that I saw. Once we took our field trip to the Cederberg and watched the most amazing sunset I have ever seen to date whilst sitting in a quiver tree forest, that was it. South Africa officially had me.

Road trips across the country and daily explorations around Cape Town made me realise how little I knew about my newfound love. I was barely scratching the surface of its complexities between urban and rural, rich and poor, white and black, and all of the shades in between: the constant sing-song of the minibus drivers driving up and down Main Road, “Cape Town... Wyaanberg,” the ever present profile of Table Mountain demanding attention and admiration, as compared to the open blue skies and softer rolling green hills in the Eastern Cape, which quietly steal your heart. I was enamoured with all.

Leaving Cape Town that first time was completely heartbreaking. I was not ready to say goodbye. I felt as if I was being cruelly wrenched away, although I was leaving of my own volition. There was a small matter of graduating college to attend to.
Returning to my hometown and then subsequently to school made me realise how much I missed South Africa, but also reminded me of the other places I loved. That in fact, there were other relationships (with both people and places) that I had been neglecting. It was so easy to get caught up in the “newness” of my relationship with South Africa that I pined for it initially, even though there were other opportunities to grow relationships with the people and places immediately around me. I recognised it even as it was happening, but the momentum of missing something carried me along for several months.

In a way it was a good thing to have formed such powerful emotional bonds because otherwise I wouldn’t have had the courage to come back, but I have also had my eyes opened to how much I romanticised my study abroad experience. As most study abroad students probably will admit, study abroad is for the most part a glorified extended spring break. Of course there are academics, some programs are much more rigorous than others, but no one goes abroad to study in school. You are much more willing and able to be a student of life as cliché as it sounds, which is one of the main reasons I wish everyone had the opportunity to “study” abroad.

Returning to South Africa to complete a Master’s degree has afforded me the opportunity to live and study here under completely different pretenses, and that has been eye-opening to say the least. The more I learn, the more I realise I do not know or understand and have to be content with my own limitations. The rose coloured glasses have come off as I realise that “laid-back” Capetonian attitude is a veneer in some cases, and some of the vibrancy is fueled by unspoken urgency, and much is swept under the carpet (as with any city). And yet, and yet... I have fallen even more deeply in love with this place and have learned that to really love is to seek to understand and deepen beyond superficial impressions although it comes with a cost.

So when I am asked, “Do you plan to stay in South Africa after you graduate?”, all I can really say is I am still learning each day. I don’t have the answer yet, but we shall see. I’m trusting the Lord with all my heart, and know better than to lean on my own understanding.

Alternative Perspectives on the World Cup

Poor Peoples World Cup in Cape Town


Myths and Realities of the 2010 World Cup

WASH Sanitation World Cup

First week of World Cup 2010 in Cape Town

Some photographs and videoclips from the opening weekend of the World Cup in Cape Town.

Thursday (10 June, 2010)

A new year but not necessarily a new person all on your own

I think whether or not we make official new year's resolutions, deep down inside, we expect (or hope) a new year means that we can turn over a new leaf, start off with a clean slate, and any other number of proverbial new beginnings. However, oftentimes we find ourselves making the same mistakes as the previous year, and it feels like a failure. But rather than dwelling on the fact that we "failed," (who's keeping score other than ourselves anyway?) we need to dig deep and push ourselves to understand why. If in fact we are creatures of habit, how do we break those cycles? First of all by understanding that we are in fact in a cycle, and then looking for points of departure because there are some circumstances, obviously, that are far beyond our control.

While I believe that we are all responsible for the decisions we make in our lives, once we reach some semblance of adulthood, no matter how old we are, we can still ask for help to make meaningful changes in our lives. If in fact, we hold ourselves accountable to others and God might that make the difference? It's much easier on my conscience to let myself down than to let my sister, or my friends down so maybe it's not such a bad idea to go half-sies on change. Rather than thinking that we must suddenly become a better person all on our own, maybe it's better to share the burden of change with others we care about and recognize that we should do the same for them.

I'm not going to write down any specific new year's resolutions here, but I am going to be much more intentional in my decisions and actions and be more humble about asking for help when I need it, and maybe that's resolution enough. Happy New Year, welcome 2010 (a few weeks after the fact)!

Thanksgiving in the southern hemisphere

So it's not really Thanksgiving here officially, but you can always be thankful whether it's an official holiday or not. My housemates and I were keen to do a big Thanksgiving dinner, and then we whittled that down to a small summer Thanksgiving, and finally we decided today that we'll just throw our "Thanksgiving" dinner whenever it's convenient, which is not today.

I think I'm going to pass on the classic list of what I'm grateful for, but rest assured that it centers mainly on the wonderful amazing people in my life and the blessing of being a child of God :).

I'm just going to share a short life lesson that really hit home this week. I've been focusing a great deal on what I don't have and what I want rather than on what I do have and what I need. I think that our default is the former even though it should really be on the latter. It's time to change the default setting, and what better time to do that than Thanksgiving?

Globalisation, identities, and everyday experiences

Let me begin with two separate yet related anecdotes:

1. On Sunday, I went with several friends most of whom are Chinese/Taiwanese (yes a political statement in itself) South African to a Portuguese Tavern in Milnerton. If you are bewildered by the multiple nationalities mentioned, just accept that globalisation is alive and well. The tavern was pretty standard, a smoky bar, a soccer game playing on a big screen, evening karaoke, and of course drunken regulars. Why were we there? Well, it was a friend’s birthday, and there’s a two meals for the price of one (the more expensive one) special at this place, known as Guzzler’s.

We decided to sit outside to avoid some of the smoke and the crowd. The view wasn’t bad, although the large parking lot and multi-storey flats obscured some of the view. However, enough of Devil’s Peak and the sunset were visible to make it almost picturesque. This is going to sound extremely pretentious, but the entire place reeked of mediocrity, with nothing particularly unique or distinguishable, which left you with a sort of bleak numb feeling. However, we decided to stay since we had driven all the way out, and reorganising 10 people can be a mission.

We were sitting and chatting amongst ourselves when one clearly inebriated unkempt older South African man approached our table and proceeded to introduce himself. He also “welcomed us” to the country. How thoughtful of him and his drunken companions cheering him on. Throughout the dinner, various comments kept drifting over.
Oh you are all such a beautiful people. Such beautiful women.
Look, they’re eating potatoes! I thought they only ate rice.
Don’t worry. I told the waitress that if you have problems communicating with her, I’ll interpret.

REALLY? While none of them were blatantly offensive comments, it was more the presumptuousness and frequency of the comments that were offensive. It was as if the concept of Chinese-South Africans had eluded their understanding completely. Is it such a radical notion to think that a person can have ties to more than one place, regardless of what he or she looks like, that there is really no universal monolithic Chinese, South African, American, fill in the blank, experience? There are of course shared cultures, languages and understandings, but these can transcend and cross expected boundaries.

2. Being an eternal optimist, I will end on an encouraging note. I was scanning radio stations in Cape Town, and stumbled across 89.5 FM on a Tuesday evening. I have been sorely missing NPR and its blend of journalism, pop culture, music programming, and general thoughtful inquisitiveness. And what should I find, but a radio program so similar yet also uniquely South African in content and accent?

Several interviews with musicians exploring multicultural musical experiences resonated with my Sunday experience, but this time in a good way. One Nigerian artist who was interviewed described the Billie Holiday project that she was working on, and the challenge that she felt approaching American blues coming from a different blues background. In her mind, she felt that experiences of African Americans that shaped the creation of blues in the US had evolved in a much different manner than the African style blues that she was more familiar with in Nigeria. She felt that of course there are elements that are shared and commonalities that exist, but the two can and should be distinguished. In other words, there are blues and then there are blues, and the two can happily co-exist and mix and cross pollinate yet still maintain their uniqueness.

The second artist interviewed grew up in Nigeria for the first 16 years of his life, and then moved to Germany. Since one parent is Nigerian and the other is German, he grew up with access to both places and cultures, and his music reflects this hybrid experience. He didn’t express feeling pressure to choose his favourite or to be just one or the other, and the resulting music is something soulful and new yet still familiar.

I guess this is a plea asking for an end to boxes. Yes, they might be neat and discrete, and make data collection,form filling and explanations much simpler. But, they ask us to deny parts of ourselves with detrimental effect. This applies to far more than race. None of us is any one thing. We may in fact be a compilation of seeming contradictions and jumbled ideas. We should stop ourselves and others from narrow definitions and prejudiced assumptions for the sake of comfortableness. I am not calling for an end to distinctiveness or a “pan” approach to all things, but rather for an acceptance and appreciation of the multiple and complex layers that make us who we are.

Sunset and Dusk in Cape Town

Table Mountain

Sparkly Night lights

Devil's Peak

Camp's Bay at Sunset

And everything in between

Where to start? The past few weeks have been a flurry of details for banking, registration, proof of insurance, figuring out what I'll be studying. Of course interspersed with all the unpleasantness of paperwork have been the pleasures of building new friendships, renewing old friendships, and the general excitement of being back in Cape Town.

Apparently, this year's winter has been pretty mild with the exception of a few rainstorms where it feels like you're drowning as you walk up the mountain to campus. Some of the issues that we discussed in my research group involve the difficulties of finding acceptable alternative sewerage systems for informal settlements. No one wants to receive a system that they perceive as inferior, even if it actually isn't, but on the other hand, there are some locations where it's just not feasible or desirable to use conventional gravity fed waterborne sewage. So how do you prioritize environmental, social and political concerns? I guess "traditional" engineers tend to just trust that if the technical system works, then all the rest will follow. But especially given new challenges of unprecedented urban growth and development patterns the old approach needs modification. I.E. talk to people, and a lot of people, before you plunk any technology, no matter how good it looks on paper, down in the middle of their neighborhood. I'll definitely be posting again about infrastructure and service delivery, anyone reading this consider yourself forewarned!

The pictures above are from Green Point Stadium, which will be where the 2010 World Cup Finals are played, and from a stormwater channel behind one of the shopping centers near where I'm living. I think trying to reconcile why there are people who live on the street and have to do their laundry in stormwater sewers, while billions of rand are spent on building a shiny new stadium is one thing that I have to continuously struggle to understand.

To end this post, I'm going to fall back on an excerpt from an inspiring courageous writer/activist Arundhati Roy, on why we must keep striving for peace and justice no matter what:

To love. To be loved. To never forget your own insignificance. To never get used to the unspeakable violence and the vulgar disparity of life around you. To seek joy in the saddest places. To pursue beauty to its lair. To never simplify what is complicated or complicate what is simple. To respect strength, never power. Above all, to watch. To try and understand. To never look away. And never, never, to forget.

Head Spinning

So after 1 week in Cape Town...

There's a bit of information overload going on in my head right now. Especially after attending a really cool, unexpected lunch meeting with a professor in the Environmental and Geographical Science department at the University of Cape Town. My head is swirling with ideas about urban water management, sustainability, integrating disciplines... All of that stuff that sounds wonderful in theory, but is very hard to put into practice. But, I have hope!

Next up: A word to the wise, for anyone who wants to register as a full-time student at UCT, especially as an international student.

Have patience, have patience, have patience.

To apply, I was bounced back and forth between the international student office (IAPO), the regular admissions office, and the Faculty office for Engineering and the Built Environment. Starting during the second semester is unheard of (wouldn't recommend it).

Be insistent because if you're not, you might just be shuffled off into an infinite loop of offices telling you that you must do this one thing first before registering, yet you can't register without doing this other thing first.

Pay up front. International students are something of a money machine for the university, which I'm actually okay with considering the overarching global disparity that exists between sub-saharan Africa and most of the "western world". But still, on a personal level it hurts the pocket book.

Try to find accommodations with people who are of a different nationality and experience than yourself. It is a wonderful way to informally learn about the world and yourself, and is probably waaay better than forced "cross-cultural" experiences.

Those are my general tips for now. If anyone has any questions about the nitty gritty details of applying and/or registering let me know.

Following your dreams, even if no one else understands

This afternoon, my mom and I went to a newly opened dim sum restaurant in Johnson City. My parents' friend from church is the owner/chef so we decided to show our support with our stomachs. It's a very cute and cozy space on Main Street across from BAE, which of course is the largest source of business in that area. The main dishes offered are different varieties of noodles, fried rice, and dim sum "appetizers" such as fried green scallion pancake or red bean buns.

Apparently, this very kind-hearted woman has been wanting to open a restaurant for a long time. When the opportunity arose, she seized the opportunity with little prior experience, but with a great deal of enthusiasm and determination. Maybe the location isn't the best, but after speaking with her and her husband this afternoon, it seems like the main challenge will be figuring out how to attract BAE employees who only have 30 minutes for lunch with a limited staff (only one person cooking, and one waiter). Granted, there are only four tables which could probably seat at most 20-25 people. But, if all of the orders come within a short period, trying to prepare that much food on a conventional home sized stove is very challenging.

My mom and I enjoyed the noodles and dim sum QinTian pancake (fried dough with pork, tastes better than it sounds). While we ate, we tried to offer suggestions on how to maximize the 30 minutes of peak demand (12:30-1pm); perhaps try different menu options, sandwiches are quick and easy to make, offer a pre-made lunch special, encourage people to call ahead and place their orders. When we finished eating, the owner wasn't going to let us pay since we were friends and that's part of Chinese culture. We tried to pay and sneak out the door, but she caught us on our way out, and made us take half of the money back. Ai yah... still, it was a very nice gesture.

I am a big supporter of local family owned businesses that are quaint and personal. I know it's not going to be easy for this family to establish a strong reputation, build a loyal clientele, and to figure out the "perfect" menu. But, it's nice to see people taking risks to follow a long-cherished dream. I really hope and pray for their success. It's an inspiration for me, since I'm not exactly following a typically prescribed path, and many people might even suggest that I'm making a poorly informed decision, but if it's what you've dreamed and prayed about, why can't people just be happy and supportive? By the way, those noodles were quite tasty so spread the word.

One of those weeks

It's been one of those weeks, where it seems like things are finally coming together. I finished working on the garden see: Summer Terraced Garden Project. And, I heard back from the admissions office from the program I've been trying to get into for four months!

I recognize that God has blessed me in so many ways, and not just during weeks like these. But sometimes I am so easily discouraged. Whenever that persistent nagging voice in my head makes me feel afraid to hope for the best, I will try to keep these words in my mind:

“Then Jesus said to his disciples: ‘Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat; or about your body, what you will wear. Life is more than food, and the body more than clothes. Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest?'” (Luke 12:22-26, NIV)

Sometimes we need to recognize that we are not in control, and really, worrying never helped anyone.

Inaction Frustrations

I'll make this brief, but I think one of my biggest frustrations in life is inaction. Especially, when something very small can make a huge difference in someone's life. I won't go into details into my specific case, but I think many people have probably experienced similar frustrations.

I'm all for procrastination when it affects only ME. But, if my inaction, i.e. procrastination begins to have an effect on someone else, then it's time to do something!

Okay, enough of complaining for now. Back to working on the garden rain or shine!

Just Common Sense?

A memo to myself and anyone else who ever happens to stumble across this:

I had something akin to, but just short of an ephiphany this week. In the US, and other countries I am sure, we spend so much time obsessing about our appearance and weight. One way in which our obsession is manifested is through gym membership. These memberships can range from an inexpensive local community center fee to the all inclusive, personal trainer, spring water from the fountain fitness center experience. Now, I am all for fitness, health and well-being. However, what if we turned some of our energy toward community service and various forms of social activism? The emphasis is on the active part.

For example, instead of running on a treadmill at the gym, what if we saved some of that money, trained outside, and entered one of those charitable fundraising sporting events that are so popular these days? Eg. Blue Planet Run events, MS Walk, Relay for Life, etc.

Or, I've discovered through my gardening project that lifting rocks all day and digging trenches will indeed develop back, shoulder, and arm muscles (and soreness). How about helping out with a river clean up or community gardening project?

Try volunteering as a coach for the Boys and Girls club and giving everyone on your team a piggy back ride, another great work out. Although, for me that was limited to the 6and under crowd, since I'm only marginally taller than said children.

If you ever find yourself DRIVING to the gym and hopping on a stationary bicycle to pedal away for an hour, please try and do this outside on a moving bicycle if at all possible and skip the drive. If you walk door to door canvassing for a worthy cause, that's a great workout too. Yes, I know sometimes it's cold outside and/or that trainer is really cute and keeps you motivated, but there are so many creative ways to exercise and to help make the world a little better. The possibilities are endless once you start thinking about it.

I hereby pledge to make my "workouts" count for something beyond my own personal gain as often as possible. A vague promise, but it's a start.

Gardening Project

I've been working on making a terraced garden in our backyard. It involves much more work than I anticipated, but it's been keeping me busy, and digging for hours and other forms of manual labor is a great workout. Much better than sitting around the house watching our 5 channels. Yes, we no longer have cable.

That is not the only reason I want to make a garden though. For some reason this year I've become very interested in growing things, learning about composting, and trying to understand the differences between organic gardening and permaculture. As I am still learning, this will be an incomplete entry, but I'm going to try and document the garden as it progresses. Let's hope the weather cooperates. The part that I am most excited for is of course choosing the plants to go in the garden and watching them grow.

We have rabbits, birds, and deer galore so trying to work out a peaceful compromise with all garden inhabitants should be another challenge and pleasure.